Loss and Comfort
by American Fantasy
Summary: A reflection of Kathryn and Chakotay's relationship after the death of Joe Carey in 'Friendship One.'


_Written for VAMB 'Time on my hands' challenge 2012_

* * *

_I've never had so much time on my hands_.

It was a thought that existed only as a rarity in the Delta Quadrant. A thought that Kathryn, for certain, was not accustomed to dwell on.

But never did she expect that those words would be said under such circumstances...

As a child, she had never understood why it was that her father seldom expressed endearment to her. Why it was that he more often than not expected formalism in the household. As a young adult climbing up the ranks of Starfleet, Kathryn finally understood that with a rising career, came expectations. A Captain had certain duties to uphold, and with that, a certain image and distance to maintain from the crew. So much that it became second nature to her. Especially in the Delta Quadrant.

The death of Joe Carey, had been a heartbreaking loss for both_ Voyager_ and her Captain. It was days like this Kathryn thought, that reminded her of just how far away they were. That no matter what occasional contact they had with Starfleet; the Alpha Quadrant was still but lengthy voyage.

Carey's death soon became a poignant reminder of their distant journey. But, it was the longing of having someone to love that was most poignant in those times of despair. The times that despite her position, could not save the life of a beloved crew member. The longing that the comfort she needed during this burdensome time, could not be fulfilled.

Kathryn's eulogy was neither emotive nor emotional. The crew had accepted her customary speech as they had done so often over the years, neither taking it as a sign that she didn't care. They all knew that she did, and they all knew that she was hurting. But, it was Chakotay, who stood by her side as he always did, who knew that she had been crying.

As the day passed by, Chakotay soon found himself wallowing in his melancholic state, much like the rest of the crew. Having asked the computer for Kathryn's location, he wasn't surprised when it informed him of her whereabouts.

Approaching Carey's quarters, the doors swished open to reveal Kathryn sitting at the table. He saw the sadness in her demeanor. The way she stared at the bottle that had become Carey's masterpiece, and the way that Kathryn held the last remaining nacelle that would have completed it.

As Kathryn saw Chakotay enter the room, a distant memory entered her mind as she was reminded of the early days of their Voyage, but more importantly, of her debate with Chakotay over who would be Chief Engineer. Carey, though an excellent engineer and certainly a valuable asset to _Voyager_, could not compete with B'Elanna Torres, the hot tempered Half Klingon, Chakotay had fought to support. Kathryn smiled internally. It was the first time he had proven her wrong, and if she remembered correctly, it was the first time she had truly come to admire him.

But how the years had passed.

The night offered Chakotay no hopes for sleep and evidently not for Kathryn.

Reflecting out of the window from the darkness of the messhall was where Chakotay found Kathryn in the early hours of the morning.

"Kathryn?" A low gentle voice broke through the silence. She needn't turn around to know whose voice it belonged to.

"Lieutenant Carey, could have been anyone of us today," she simply said, looking down at the cup of coffee still clutched in her hands that had long since gone cold. Her head turned towards Chakotay until their eyes met. "He could have been you."

Upon hearing her words, Chakotay stepped forward and daringly pried the cup away from her hands before setting it down on the table. Kathryn just looked at him but before she could say anything, she found herself being pulled into him until their bodies touched. It took a second for Kathryn to realize what it was that Chakotay was doing. But it wasn't what he was doing, it was what he was offering her. A hug. Hesitant at first, Kathryn warmed into his embrace and accepted the comfort that he provided, eventually wrapping her own arms around him.

It reminded her of just how short life can be. How lonely one can be in those times of sadness. How lonely_ she_ was. Kathryn missed having a lover. Having someone to hold and comfort her as Chakotay now did. But what she really wanted, was more.

"When will this end, Chakotay?" she whispered mournfully over his shoulder.

Chakotay was silent for several moments until he finally spoke. "I don't have the answer to that, Kathryn". He pulled back, brushing a lock of hair away from her face before his hand settled to cup her cheek. "No one does."

For minutes, they stood facing one another. A hand still lingered on Kathryn's waist as Chakotay continued to hold her. Their eyes mastering the staring game to perfection. They were each well aware of the proximity of space between them, but neither seemed to care. The look in each others eyes sought all the comfort they needed, until that comfort demanded more. Slowly their heads inched closer together, their eyes not once deviating from one another until their faces were so close they could feel their warm breath and the heat of the moment that had been a long time coming. Lips parting, their eyes closed in unison until their lips finally met. Their kiss was slow, gentle and undemanding, but it was everything they had ever desired. Not wanting to rush nor push the moment any further, Chakotay stepped back, tracing his fingertips down Kathryn's jaw.

He saw the pain in her eyes and the realization quickly dawned on him. The realization that despite the feelings that they shared, there would always be 150 people between them.

Maybe one day they would have their time. Maybe one day Kathryn, would allow them to explore a relationship.

But for now, he would wait.

He would allow to her grieve the loss of her crew member. Grieve the reality of their position in the Delta Quadrant, and grieve for their situation, that someday they may never get home.

But no matter how long it would take, he would wait for her. He would wait patiently for the day that Kathryn could equally return all the feelings that he was willing to share with her.

Because she was worth it.

Grazing the back of his fingers against her cheek, Chakotay gave her a small smile before turning to leave.

"Goodnight Kathryn."

Watching as Chakotay left the messhall, Kathryn brought her hand to her cheek, feeling his warm touch still linger on her skin. Turning back towards the window, Kathryn continued to stare out at the stars. The corners of her mouth began to twitch into a small smile and for the first time since Carey's death, Kathryn thought that she could finally see the light at the end of the tunnel.


End file.
